WONDERS of HAZELNUT. ♥

Nowadays, it became a routine for me already to randomly blocked or mute people that I feel uncomfortable with in SocMed. But have you ever felt being blocked personally? Like when you're trying to connect with a person but sometimes you just feel that they are no longer comfortable talking or opening up to you. Its when you used to understand the silence but now it feels deafening not to hear anything. Or is it just because in between those silence, my thoughts inside my mind are the ones deafening me already? Do they still trust me? Do they still want me to be around? Does my presence bother them? Am I helping just by merely being here? I guess will never know. It is sometimes hard to care so much, so much that it hurts you even more seeing that they are hurting and you can't do anything about it.

It's another anxiety attack, but today its not about school but how I cope up with life. While typing this, my hands are shaking probably because of the coffee I just drank and moreover maybe of the reasons that there are so many things I am thinking right now. Is it okay to think about what your worth is? How hurtful would it be to see yourself in the same situation you were a few years back but right now I guess it's just because of the trauma I had that I always want to be sure that my partner is so sure of me. How heavy it is to be inside a human body who is almost always insecure? Who thinks that she's not enough? Who thinks I am always repleceable? How heavy it is to ask yourself to change just because its already hurting you so much you want to burst out as much as how you're trying your best to stay calm. You talk yourself out that its okay, its just okay to feel that way and you think of things to reassure yourself that you are enough. You try to ignore things ...

What would happen after I die? Do you sometimes wonder also what people would feel, what would they say or do? Will anything change if you were gone? Would there be any significant difference or are we just merely existing just to exist and go through this? I somtimes wonder if we really can see the people we know during the first few days of after life or do we still recognize them? Will all the memories still be intact? We question a lot of things that are mostly unanswerable.

When it's all heavy on the inside, I just wanna flow all the tears out, hoping that something would work, hoping that all the negative energy would flow out with the tears. Or maybe when things get a little better, I'd go out there and let the the ocean and the wind and as the sun set remind me that some things will end and it will be another beginning, a beginning of much better days because I went through all those rough days fighting every single sh*t to survive.

Well they say, when people won't respond to you, try to think about what situation they are in also during those times. Try to understand that your friend also has her own world with problems and current challenges she's dealing with, but I guess somehow we should also normalize that we have to say something like "right now is not a good time" or "I am doing something" or I don't know just to help also your friend to stop thinking about if they even matter to you. I'm saying this right now beacuse I am pondering about when should you consider that your friend or anybody else is just simply ignoring you at that moment? Because I am trying to create a line with myself where I have to encourage me to just stop creating bridge among people who just want to create walls between you. It's tiring to reconnect with people you care about but wants to deconnect without saying anything. I think this is very unhealthy.

Today's my second day as a 3rd yr med student. Somehow, a bit tiring because everyday is whole day class but what I'm gonna write about is not pertaining to what happened to one of my class but a cute story that happened while I was having my lunch. Here in Vigan, we have a small sari-sari store, we usually sell breakfast and lunch and there's this medyo lolo with down syndrome (maybe around late 30's to 40s age) whose part of his routine is to have some snacks here at our house. He would always buy pepsi and sometimes some meryenda. I would sometimes see him roaming around asking for money (but my lola's friend mentioned before that's somehow they're not really poor) and what he's doing is just really part of his "routine." I don't know, I don't really have any idea about what happens in his life but now I'm curious. So going back, everytime I have the chance to see him, I try to have small conversations with him like did he alre...

Nothing's ever gonna change right now. What I mean is that where I am right now, it's not gonna change in an instant. But we all have the ability to change to improve what's coming along our way. And I know I have been very irresponsible for the past few months but we have to keep going on and continue thinking how we should go on. Never ever surrender on yourself because when you do, its the end of the story.

For the meantime, I guess I am actually enjoying the moments I am out from my soc med, trying to know myself more and being less concerned of what I have and don't have compared to other people. Came to a point where it became more of a distraction and a toxic stuff rather than its more usage for communication. I know it's just me but I guess I'll just go back whenever it feels good already, the time that I won't be affected anymore by what other people has to say. I just miss the time when it was all about face to face stuffs and not just all out on online stuffs. It's a lot healthier for the soul.

Today is not about lost friendship but how I came to a point where I just wanna thank God for all the blessing I have, for all the friends that I have and to apologize for not appreciating what is now and choosing to dwell on what was there for the past few months and previous days. And today we focus on what is now and what is about to come. This was 3 days ago but I'm posting this for memories and to share my take aways from what I reviewed today, actually this is not academical stuffs but its verbatim from one of my pharma tutors: "Just like heavy metals, when you have toxic friends and relationships and its already affecting your relationships and the way you look at things in general, you have to terminate and cut off. You have to alienate yourself from this situation." - Doc G Okay, to end this. Happy 25th of life Hazelnut!! Continue to wander and wonder!

I don't know why and how, but I hate myself for writing so much about lost friendship, about how painful it is for me everytime I notice my process of letting people go. Again, I continue to ask myself if I'm just way too emotional and how much do I really attached myself with the relationship I share with other people. Maybe I feel too deeply. But for today, my take away for this lost friendship that is very personal for me, is that it's gonna be okay, we all go through this. We grow up and sometimes grew apart, we change preference. And also I must enjoy myself with all the friends I have at present and about to have in the future. What's important is that I should learn to dwell in the good memories that we had. But for today, yes I'm letting go of a friendship where I have to watch what I say and what I do. Today, I will set myself free from the expectations I have for the friendship we have. It's okay to let go of long-time friendship, it's okay Hizil. ...

Is it only me? Everytime I become angry and blurt out random words, even though it felt like I was on the right side I still feel sad and bad. Is it because I don't want the feeling of being shout at that's why I feel bad every time I raise my voice on other people also? It doesn't feel relieving because on my point of view, raising your voice doesn't always mean your making a point, sometimes its even the opposite. It's just irritating sometimes because I have observe even in my position, that we tend not to listen when people are raising their voice on us, instead its more into the part of wanting to ignore and to prove your point also that we are the one who is right. As I grew up, I've learned to ignore and when I'm the one who is angry, I've also learned to ignore. I don't want shouting and I don't want being shout at. Let's learn to raise our point not our voice when we're angry or rather, let's keep our cool first when angry, d...

2020, 2021 --- felt like I'm losing two of my bestfriends this pandemic. And when I say I'm losing, it means like we're slowly growing apart. There is this healthy apart that they say because its true that we are all growing up and this is just a natural phase, a part of it. I'm not saying they are not my friends anymore but I kept telling myself to stop hoping that they can still be my one-call away friends, which means an answer to the question "who do you call at your saddest or happiest moment or at random moments?" Right now, it feels sad and very frustrating that I don't even know, in my mind, I kept telling I'll just keep it to myself and that's okay because when you feel like no one's there for you anymore, you have to make sure you're there for yourself. Stay strong, self. Keep wandering.

It maybe super hard right know hizil, like super duper ultra mega hard for you and it seems so impossible to reach. But please, continue to pray, continue to hope, continue to scold yourself, continue trying to start again and again although repeatedly as well you may fail yourself, but please never surrender, never give up on yourself. You are here because its part of the plan, don't miss this opportunity as long as you're still there, there is hope. I love you self. From yourself right now who is so lazy and hopeless but trying to be always hopeful. Goodnight. I leave it here. 

Tonight, I am wondering how parents feel every time they see their kids accomplished things, whether how big or small this achievement might be. I think its pure joy and happiness especially for those who came from nothing and raised their kids with so much hardwork and perseverance. To see that the baby you were just carrying in your womb, is now achieving stuffs you never imagine you can support. Just posting this because right now, and also always, just not very expressive, that I appreciate my mom and how strong she is for raising me even tho she wasn't ready when I came but now sometimes I get annoy when she brags about me but, I guess its her way of saying to herself that she did a great job and who am I to take that simple joy away from her? Also to my lola and my tita who supported my mom as well, you raised us strong, there might be times that we cry so much but every after breakdowns, you taught us well how to get back strong. Okay, will try going back to reviewing again....

How is it possible that we can continue to show our tireless smile and "im okay" lines repeatedly despite being broken deep inside, despite knowing deep deep deepest inside of you that you're barely holding on and keeping up with everyone. It seems like everyone is in a fast pace motion and you're left there trying to keep up and has no energy to continue already. I continue to remind myself to not look at how others go on with their life because I have my own pace, I have my own stuffs to mind and eventually will be there where they are also. But how can I keep going when it seems that I lost myself trying to keep going. How do we keep going?

Most of the time at this time of the night or morning because its two am, my thoughts are very messy that I only end up sighing, whispering myself this words repeatedly, saying "kaya ko to" because this world is tiring, people are tiring. I get tired with my own thoughts. I get tired with the questions and the doubts, especially right now, that I even question my existence, the existence of everything around me. And it feels lonely having this thoughts and not knowing who to share because everyone's busy with their own demons and this life and I don't wanna bother them anymore, so again for tonight, we continue whispering to ourselves, keep going self. 

Have you ever felt empty? Like you don't know how to explain the kind of sad you're experiencing. Its just that you're sad and too lazy to think of the reasons why you're sad but you know there's a lot and it feels empty.

Hindi ba weird how you're in a position wherein you slowly see people growing apart from you, you guys used to be close but you're slowly seeing them replace you with other people? It's weird right how much I train myself to be independent and alone, but yet still find myself weary of becoming alone. I still wait for them to invite me, to ask for me to come.  OR WAIT. I'm thinking of ways how to help myself understand this perspective of my life. Because I haven't felt this before yet. Manila taught me not to care when I'm just alone, I go out alone most of the time there though I met a lot of people. Its like going out alone was always an adventure I look forward to every time, even by just traveling alone or seating alone in a restaurant. OR even watching movie alone (char on this one, this is one of the saddest adventure I did) but I did this before to shoo away the noises, I was frustrated that time and going inside the cinema was the only thing I taught wou...

It has been a hobby to randomly check old photos and some memories when I feel sad. And sometimes I wonder why I always look happy in the previous photos but seems like my whole world is a mess. I am not sure if I'm just great with masking my emotions or maybe because there were really actual moments that I was happy. I'm wondering. Thanks to cameras, we capture a lot of moments that seems like great memories. Tonight will pass, my thoughts will pass and we continue to believe that we will keep going. 

I know right now Gabby, you're confused. Yeah, I know what my mind is about to say, I AM ALWAYS CONFUSED.     BUT  I am doing this to help myself vent out, so here we go, Dear self, I know that your dream right now, your goal is to be a future doctor and yet you feel so confused if this goal is just meant to be a dream, something that you think is never really gonna happen in real life. You are full of doubts, you overthink things, you feel like you aren't enough. Well real talk, Gabby, I think you're not giving it your all. Whatever you're thinking about yourself, it is not good, it is not your right to give yourself a limit to what you think you can do. I know deep deep inside you, you are praying, you are hoping that God has something in store of you. Of course Gabby, God has so much for you, but it is up to you girl, how are you gonna manage yourself? Will you let God turn you to something He had plan you to be or will you let your doubts, your thoughts, your negat...