WONDERS of HAZELNUT. ♥

Forever and Always. I used to believe in that statement when there was something I can call as US. That was ours. That was what we believed we could had have but then it didn't. For some ethical reasons, I only wish you wouldn't repeat the same statement to your present someone because we had our own memories with that statement. I am still recovering from the pain I felt when you made me feel like everything was not worth it. When you choose to leave me hanging and just think of all the mistake I've done. And yes, being bitter is the reason why I wrote this. Never mind. Good luck with the both of you. Happy Monthsary to the both of you and just so you know, it was my birthday yesterday. Are we strangers for real? A simple HBD, maybe not too sincere but it is something I can handle and still appreciate because we had memories and I hope we can be friends, not now, maybe in the future. When time has heal all my wounds that came from you. Yes, ForNEVER and Always.

I hate myself for doubting a lot of people. For not giving anybody the chance to prove their worth to me. For degrading their hopes and easily rejecting them. I hate myself for trying to build walls between me and other people. I act sensitive about little things, I get hurt easily. I've learned how to hide the pain and time goes by, letting people get away from me became my defense mechanism. When there was no one to support me or depend for me, that's when I started to fight for my own battles. To believe that I can be my more useful when I only believe myself. When mind was set that people will always eventually leave so why take the risk to make romantic connections and deeper relationship. I am really hopeless.

And everyone will always have a way in their life that no one will ever understand. I hate myself for having a very weak inter relationship with myself. I always get out of control. I always try to burst out whatever is in my mind. Its the way I am. At the end of the day, no matter how hard I try to get ahold of myself, I will always find a way to make mistakes. Its part of my personality but it is my mistake that I am me, its the reason why I learn, why I still want to go for the gold. I remain to have the mindset of setting goals, trying again and again no matter how much failures. I may cry, I may say I'd like give up but it remain as words, as verbal expression to lessen the burden I have inside. I will never wave the white flag. And that's what makes me differ from other human beings.

I don't know why I feel very disappointed with what he did. I maybe had assumed some things again in the wrong way. Maybe there is really something very special going on between them that nobody is aware of. I am just a nobody in his eyes. Why does my doubts always come across my way? Maybe I must keep on guarding myself. Maybe I must try to maintain my standard. Maybe it was never really wrong to be very cautious with every people that you meet. Maybe its okay that when I try to like someone, I must not stop on reminding myself that the right time I have prepared for myself is not now. I am in pain and maybe its natural. Maybe this are the things that I need to equip and prepare myself for what is yet to come. Maybe I have to forget about what I feel. Ignore ignore ignore. Its a weakness I must avoid, it has a power to destroy me. So yeah, get out of my life. Avoid. Ignore. This is the pain I know I can handle though it is inevitable.

I find it hard to stop stalking someone I really like, though his just someone I just met. I want to know him better, know if there some chances I can get close to him. Though deep inside me I know it is something impossible to happen.I want to be friends with him, know him better. I know what you're thinking but yes maybe that's one of the connections I want to have as well but then its beyond the equation. I don't have that guts and I am a girl with a very complicated personality. I don't speak very confident. He has that persona of a leader, of a person who is something beyond my reach. He is someone known by many. And so when I try to look up to him, I see a lot of people beside me whose trying to do the same. I have a very high regards with someone who has concern with other people not related to you directly like friends, family. I have high regards to a person who tries to seize the days despite of its imperfections. To someone who try to see a positive side in e...

There's a lot of things of mind, a lot of things that I want to do. A lot of choices. A lot of opportunities. And with all these things, I remain confused. My life seems to not know where to go, which path to take or which road to cross. I remain coward of taking chances and making decision on my own. With all of this, I over think. I crave for more space, for more peace of mind, for more things to discover and for more mistakes to teach me on how to handle my own life. Though its ironic, we all are scared of pain.

I and a very close person to my heart was trying to talk about what could and might eventually happen in the future. I remembered us talking about this a few months ago and came out with a conclusion that we remain as friends as much as we can because this is the relatioship were we think we will last longer. And then that issue again came out of the topic, and he asked me if there was a chance that I can love him. I was very doubtful. I didn't know what to answer because I know deep within me, there was already a something. Something that I have kept too long. Something that I know if known can break a friendship. Something that was very risky. It was the mindset that some things are better left unsaid, that some things we don't know won't hurt us. I told him yes, I am right now, that I already love him but he instead replied me with a laugh and assuming that I was lying because he believes that my heart still belongs to the one who broke it, that I was  still not finish o...

May mga tao talagang temporary lang sa buhay natin. Magpaparamdam lang tapos later on, mawawala nalang. Swerte na;ang natin kung may mangyayaring pang goodbye goodbye or may pasabi man lang na "Alis na ko sa  buhay mo, never ng babalik, never ng magpaparamdam. Maiiwan ka na lang hanging, stuck in the moment kasama nung mga memories, nung mga feelings na sobrang hirap magfade. Joke lang yung umpisa syempre. This is for my friend na luluwas ng states. Wala lang, iniisip ko pa lang kasi na di mo na siya makakasabay pumasok, makakasama sa classroom, makakaasaran. Nakakamiss na siya kaagad kahit di pa ngayon ang alis nya. Pinapatagal lang. Mas lalong masakit. Hahaha Joke ulit. Ayun nga. Dear Jen, if ever na mabasa mo to kung kelan man, ginagawa namin scrapbook mo ngayon, late ako uuwi dahil love ka namin. Nagduty din ako sa SA, may klase din bukassss. Hahahahah We love you Jen. Andito lang ang tropang bee lagi para sayo, kahit sobrang layo ng distance. Sana pag nagkita ulit tay...