For whatever purpose for myself

I am currently in conflict with myself. Yes, I make it an excuse na ang problema ko is friends, family, anything, everything but then ang totoo. I am always in a battle with myself. Ganun naman lagi actually ganun dapat pero it turns out that I take this situation in a negative way, not in a way that people usually say "always try to compete with yourself because in that way, you can be a better person.

I am actually tired of my daily routines. Me going to school, doing works related to school, to my internship, with my friends, with every people that I meet, with every guy that seems to like me. I am tired of trying to deal with everything that is happening because after all, until now I cannot still define or differentiate the difference between real and fake because, again and again, I myself, I am a fake. Finally, there I said it. And its a fact, its the truth that I guess I have to accept and then probably try to change.

I am tired of smiling. Because sometimes, all the time, its just a mask. Cliche. I don't care, it is actually what I really feel. People think I am strong, I am mature enough to deal with whatevers going to happen, you all think I can do it. Well, guess what, all the time I think twice and thrice and so many times of giving up that it actually breaks me into pieces, smaller and smaller and smaller as the routine continues to go on and on and on and then it never stops.

I try to talk about it with people, so many people but no one seems to understand because you don't try to fit you feet on my shoes. I know you probably must be saying that some other people experience much more traumatic problems and harder one but hey, I am psychotic, I overthink, I over react. I am emotional and I am actually thankful that I am trying to express it all here because this kinda makes me feel better, this helps me feel much better.

I am tired of people coming in and out of my life. And me not having to do anything when they leave because its their choice, why the hell would I even try to beg for them to stay, I tried to beg once, but then he still left me. I didn't beg for my dad to stay before, he went away. So now that those things happened, it actually feels tiring to invest feelings when in the end, no one stays that long.

Its easy for you to say, to take it easy. Its easy for you to tell me to act mature, to stay strong. Its too easy for all of you to say that because you actually don't understand because I myself cannot understand myself. I try to be logical but then it still doesn't work. The only way I am trying to do right now is to stay alive and just hoping that no one will dare kill me inside ever again because I can no longer bare it.

After all of this, I still trust His plans. He is the only one that still has it 100% of everything. I may not see him but I live by Faith.