WONDERS of HAZELNUT. ♥

"Like a lamb to the slaughter": Something that you say about someone who goes somewhere calmly, not knowing that something unpleasant is going to happen. (c) Wonder, RJ Palacio All I wanted was happiness. I don't know why you have that guts to hurt me like this, to make me feel the pain I am having right now. This are all my choices. Well, maybe I can still manage, hopefully I will. I am still trying to be strong enough for myself.  But why? What's the answer to all the questions I have. Yes, I am trying to believe that you don't love me anymore, or maybe you didn't. Because someone who loves somebody would not do something like what you did. But if you really didn't, why? Please let me understand. Please. Do I look stupid now? Are you happy now? Srry.

It may be as desperate as it sounds, but nobody cares, I no longer care about what others would say. This is when you can say, it was love, that you really love him because you are hurting too much. That although you know you look stupid, you just don't care because you want him to stay.

I no longer want to think about the things he did. I no longer want to blame myself for being dragged into a situation like this. I just want to be back to my normal days. Where I was satisfied being with my friends, eating ice cream, reading books, travelling and other things which doesn't include guys who would later on leave you. They are so temporary and I am quite hating myself for being bitter about it but I guess and hope that things will get better soon. If only I could manipulate time and fast forward everything. I know deep inside me though it was in a very short period of time, I lost control of myself, I got attached so much that I  really am hurting that it hurts to believe that I no longer have him to hold by my side. Everything that happened, having him in my life, allowing him to be part of it was not one of my plans, But then *cries*

To the person who wrote "beauty inside and out" on our recent experiment in our class. Thank you very much. It made me realize how much thankful I should be because aside from him, there are other people who value my worth so much. It made my day. Maybe I should also be thankful that he came into my life because I know, I learned something from him. I know that what happen to us will be a great lesson I can always look back. I am forgiving him and her for hurting me. For unconsciously making me feel worthless, I know time heals all wounds. Sooner or later, it will take time, I will finally recover and forget the feeling you made me feel because somewhere out there, there will also be someone who will make me feel that I am really worth something, something worth fighting for, something that also deserves to be loved, to be treated as his only one. Thank you for everything. And today, I finally want to end it up officially to myself and to wish myself some luck to be strong ...

I am finally trying to give myself a chance. I feel so happy that the one I have as a chance is really my choice as well.

Its almost 5 AM. Di pa ko inaantok. Random thoughts and confusions overload . Hindi ko alam kung anong gusto kong gawin sa buhay ko, kung anong gusto kong maramdaman, kung sinong gusto kong kalimutan, kung sinong gusto kong mahalin. Kung gaya ko bang magsimula ulit at iniisip ko kung may tatapusin nga ko kasi parang wala namang simula. Wala namang kami, walang naging kami pero his my ex something. Hindi ko alam. Ang dami kong naiisip dahil lang biglang may bagong staff sa guidance na dumating na kaname nya. Is it a sign na ituloy ko na yung resignation ko kasi kailangan ko ng layuan yun? OA. Hahaha. Oo then I tried to view his profile kanina and nakita ko yung post niya last June 30, 2015 "Forever and Always, Lord." I suddenly remembered na hindi man lang nya ko naalalang grineet. Maybe naalala nya pero wala siyang paki kaya di siya nag-greet. Ewan ko. Coincidence lang ba yun or nananadya? Ewan ko ba. Bat ang affected ko, alam ko naman na wala na. Two years na ang nakalip...

Tatakbo ako. Hindi literal. Tatakbo ako bilang CASSC Chairperson. Mixed emotions. Excitement. Takot. Saya. Kaba. Lahat na ata ng pwedeng maramdaman, ramdam ko na. Overthink. Medyo. Nasubukan ko na kasing matalo, masakit, nakakawalang pag-asa. Pero ito ulit ako, sinusubukan ulit lumaban. Linalagay ang sarili ko sa posisyon na walang kasiguraduhan. Maraming rason. Maraming gustong gawin. Maraming gustong patunayan. Maraming gustong itulong. Maraming pagbabago ang nais gawin. Kulang sa lakas ng loob. Pero wala namang tigil sa pag-iipon,. Ayokong mapahiya pero sinusubukan kong maging handa kasi baka sakaling dun ko maovercome yung pagkaayaw ko magsalita in front of the crowd.  Hahahahaha. Ang formal. Pero kinakabahan talaga ako. Real talk. I have a lot of ideas na naiisip pero kulang sa salita, sa organization, sa pagpapasharpen ng idea. Gusto ko magpasaya ng tao. Gusto kong magpangiti ng tao sa pagtulong. Yun lang naman e. Ayoko magpasikat, ayoko marecognize, ayokong pinagkakaguluh...

Forever and Always. I used to believe in that statement when there was something I can call as US. That was ours. That was what we believed we could had have but then it didn't. For some ethical reasons, I only wish you wouldn't repeat the same statement to your present someone because we had our own memories with that statement. I am still recovering from the pain I felt when you made me feel like everything was not worth it. When you choose to leave me hanging and just think of all the mistake I've done. And yes, being bitter is the reason why I wrote this. Never mind. Good luck with the both of you. Happy Monthsary to the both of you and just so you know, it was my birthday yesterday. Are we strangers for real? A simple HBD, maybe not too sincere but it is something I can handle and still appreciate because we had memories and I hope we can be friends, not now, maybe in the future. When time has heal all my wounds that came from you. Yes, ForNEVER and Always.

I hate myself for doubting a lot of people. For not giving anybody the chance to prove their worth to me. For degrading their hopes and easily rejecting them. I hate myself for trying to build walls between me and other people. I act sensitive about little things, I get hurt easily. I've learned how to hide the pain and time goes by, letting people get away from me became my defense mechanism. When there was no one to support me or depend for me, that's when I started to fight for my own battles. To believe that I can be my more useful when I only believe myself. When mind was set that people will always eventually leave so why take the risk to make romantic connections and deeper relationship. I am really hopeless.

And everyone will always have a way in their life that no one will ever understand. I hate myself for having a very weak inter relationship with myself. I always get out of control. I always try to burst out whatever is in my mind. Its the way I am. At the end of the day, no matter how hard I try to get ahold of myself, I will always find a way to make mistakes. Its part of my personality but it is my mistake that I am me, its the reason why I learn, why I still want to go for the gold. I remain to have the mindset of setting goals, trying again and again no matter how much failures. I may cry, I may say I'd like give up but it remain as words, as verbal expression to lessen the burden I have inside. I will never wave the white flag. And that's what makes me differ from other human beings.

I don't know why I feel very disappointed with what he did. I maybe had assumed some things again in the wrong way. Maybe there is really something very special going on between them that nobody is aware of. I am just a nobody in his eyes. Why does my doubts always come across my way? Maybe I must keep on guarding myself. Maybe I must try to maintain my standard. Maybe it was never really wrong to be very cautious with every people that you meet. Maybe its okay that when I try to like someone, I must not stop on reminding myself that the right time I have prepared for myself is not now. I am in pain and maybe its natural. Maybe this are the things that I need to equip and prepare myself for what is yet to come. Maybe I have to forget about what I feel. Ignore ignore ignore. Its a weakness I must avoid, it has a power to destroy me. So yeah, get out of my life. Avoid. Ignore. This is the pain I know I can handle though it is inevitable.

I find it hard to stop stalking someone I really like, though his just someone I just met. I want to know him better, know if there some chances I can get close to him. Though deep inside me I know it is something impossible to happen.I want to be friends with him, know him better. I know what you're thinking but yes maybe that's one of the connections I want to have as well but then its beyond the equation. I don't have that guts and I am a girl with a very complicated personality. I don't speak very confident. He has that persona of a leader, of a person who is something beyond my reach. He is someone known by many. And so when I try to look up to him, I see a lot of people beside me whose trying to do the same. I have a very high regards with someone who has concern with other people not related to you directly like friends, family. I have high regards to a person who tries to seize the days despite of its imperfections. To someone who try to see a positive side in e...

There's a lot of things of mind, a lot of things that I want to do. A lot of choices. A lot of opportunities. And with all these things, I remain confused. My life seems to not know where to go, which path to take or which road to cross. I remain coward of taking chances and making decision on my own. With all of this, I over think. I crave for more space, for more peace of mind, for more things to discover and for more mistakes to teach me on how to handle my own life. Though its ironic, we all are scared of pain.

I and a very close person to my heart was trying to talk about what could and might eventually happen in the future. I remembered us talking about this a few months ago and came out with a conclusion that we remain as friends as much as we can because this is the relatioship were we think we will last longer. And then that issue again came out of the topic, and he asked me if there was a chance that I can love him. I was very doubtful. I didn't know what to answer because I know deep within me, there was already a something. Something that I have kept too long. Something that I know if known can break a friendship. Something that was very risky. It was the mindset that some things are better left unsaid, that some things we don't know won't hurt us. I told him yes, I am right now, that I already love him but he instead replied me with a laugh and assuming that I was lying because he believes that my heart still belongs to the one who broke it, that I was  still not finish o...

May mga tao talagang temporary lang sa buhay natin. Magpaparamdam lang tapos later on, mawawala nalang. Swerte na;ang natin kung may mangyayaring pang goodbye goodbye or may pasabi man lang na "Alis na ko sa  buhay mo, never ng babalik, never ng magpaparamdam. Maiiwan ka na lang hanging, stuck in the moment kasama nung mga memories, nung mga feelings na sobrang hirap magfade. Joke lang yung umpisa syempre. This is for my friend na luluwas ng states. Wala lang, iniisip ko pa lang kasi na di mo na siya makakasabay pumasok, makakasama sa classroom, makakaasaran. Nakakamiss na siya kaagad kahit di pa ngayon ang alis nya. Pinapatagal lang. Mas lalong masakit. Hahaha Joke ulit. Ayun nga. Dear Jen, if ever na mabasa mo to kung kelan man, ginagawa namin scrapbook mo ngayon, late ako uuwi dahil love ka namin. Nagduty din ako sa SA, may klase din bukassss. Hahahahah We love you Jen. Andito lang ang tropang bee lagi para sayo, kahit sobrang layo ng distance. Sana pag nagkita ulit tay...

Minsan kahit gaano mo kagustong magtiwala ulit, magsimula ulit. Hindi mo magawa gawa. Kasi laging natatalo lahat ng takot na meron ako. Mahirap balewalain ang takot lalo na pag paulit ulit ka na din sinaktan at iniwan. Kung laging nagkakataon na ang mga manloloko siya pa ang nakikilala mk. Ewan ko. Minsan napapaisapi din ako baka naman ako yung may mali at hindi naman talaga sila. Na masyado lang talaga akong negative pagdating sa ibang tao.